More anxiety, Ruining Christmas, and D&D talk

Getting more and more anxious about going up to Mayo.  It’s not logical, it’s just my general anxiety disorder kicking in.  I know worse case, I know best case.  I know they aren’t gonna do anything unnecessary are specifically painful to me.  Just freaking out a bit on the inside.  Wish this week would pass quicker, couldn’t believe it was only Tuesday when I looked at the calendar.  Once it gets here and I up there I will be totally chill, its the waiting time that I get anxious during.  I got 6 days to go, well not even a full 6 days.

We got confirmed player #4 for my campaign tonight.  Just need 1 more and it’ll be a go in exactly 3 weeks.  I think we will have #5 tomorrow, but just have to wait and see, if not I think I can get a person off of reddit looking for group.  They seem to have quite a few players looking for game posts.  I still can’t believe out of the 10 I had in games before I could only get 3.  But hey, I kinda dumped on them as  a whole, so I totally understand not wanting to get into my new game.  But I warned everyone ahead of time that I will disappear during the fall and other times as needed.  It’s the best I could do.

Being Bipolar and suffering from SAD leads to not being the most reliable person.  I try to be, but it just doesn’t work out that way sometimes.  So it’s actually better that I run the games as opposed to being a player.  The game just doesn’t happen when I flake as DM, but as a player it forces the group to play 1 person short.  That’s not fun for the players or the DM, who has to adjust all his carefully planned encounters.

This is the first year that I have let Teresa play a lot of Christmas music without me complaining or mocking (much).  I guess I am mellowing in my old age.  Teresa told me last night that I killed Christmas for her over the years.  I feel bad about that.  She used to love this holiday, now she doesn’t really get into it.   We haven’t put up a tree in ages.  We barely wrap presents, this year I don’t think we are doing that even.  We don’t really have Christmas dinner (this year we are having Sweet and Sour Pork).  Nope, I took someone who LOVED everything about Christmas and made her grudgingly acknowledge it.  Teresa, I am sorry.  I know you won’t read this, but I really truly am sorry.

My mysterious cough is back.  Thought it was gone for good.  But NO, about a week ago I started coughing again.   Grrr, stupid stupid stupid cough.  It only happens at night, so I can’t get doc to see it.  At least my cancer doc writes me scripts for cough medicine.  I suppose my PA would write them too if I told him about my chronic cough.  But I keep forgetting to tell him.

Speaking of Chris, my PA.  We have a boat load of tests that were due in October we still haven’t gotten done.  I probably should set up an appointment.  I could probably get in during what is left of this week.  Its not like the Adel Mercy Medical Center office is a hugely happening place.  I am sure they get busy from time to time, but not to the point of not being able to get in same or next day.  That is one of the joys of living in a small town.

Get as much medical stuff done before the end of the year when deductibles renew.  I shoulda started sooner.









Anxiety Sucks, Good game, and D&D

Teresa just beat Horizon: Zero Dawn on Story difficulty (one step lower than easy).  She sure seemed to have a lot of fun.  She says it should get Game of the Year and I agree with her even though I haven’t played very much of it yet.  It somehow managed to keep a dystopian society kinda light hearted.  Mainly killing robots instead of people was kinda cool too.  Anyhow, it took her about 2 weeks of sporadic play to beat the game.  That is a cool amount of time.  And Aloy, the heroine, is actually kind of a cool character.  It’ll take a really great game to beat it for Game of the Year, because Horizon: Zero Dawn is a great game in it’s own right.

Now she is starting The Last of Us.  I know nothing about this game.  But I know this game won Game of the Year when it came out (last year? maybe).  It appears so far to not be my type of game, not into survival horror games anymore.  I didn’t think it was Teresa’s thing either.  But it was only 12 bucks.  So I say let her play.

I’m already getting nervous about going to Mayo Clinic.  I hate having an anxiety disorder.  This should be a just looking forward to it thing, not a anxious thing.  The worst that can happen is they say there is nothing that can be done (which is what Dr. Wehbe said), the best would be they have a cure.  I’d settle getting back up to 90 where I was in my first year and half of remission.  But hey, I got a week and a day before my appointment, plenty of time to make myself sick with anxiety.  Heh.

We still haven’t had snow yet.  Almost to the record for no measurable snowfall in Des Moines until X date.  In this case it was the 13th I believe.  And there is no snow in the forecast worth mentioning.  As a matter of face for the next week or so it is supposed to be in the mid 40s, about average for this time of year, at least that is what I think I heard on the news, I could be way off and a snowstorm is hitting tomorrow.   All I know is that I stepped out the last few days to get the mail barefoot and without a coat and didn’t immediately go numb.  So it hasn’t been bad.

The shot in the neck takes 2 weeks to give full effect.  I am cool with that.  My neck only hurts when I am sitting at my desk using my keyboard and mouse or when I am driving. You know, when holding my arms up.   I try to avoid doing all of the above as much as possible.  I hope the x-ray’s that were taken Friday show or don’t show anything, nothing marginal.  If they show, Dr. Ransdell will do something for my back pain, if it doesn’t show he will order an MRI to find out what is wrong.  If its wishy-washy, I have no clue what he will do if anything, and not doing anything sucks.

My mood is solidly good though.  SAD is over it seems.  Yay for the good guys.  SAD is almost totally debilitating when it hits and takes a lot to overcome.  And it just goes away randomly it seems.  But one way or the other, it’s gone and I am happy Hectic again, even if I am a little anxious.

This Friday will be the 2nd time playing in the every other Friday night D&D campaign over roll20 and mumble.  I am very much looking forward to it.  As much as I love DMing, playing is just as cool.  I’ve decided that if no one else steps up to take leadership, then I guess I will try to.  I mean we got stuff accomplished just fine without a “leader”, but heh, it’s just have been easier with someone calling the shots.  We got a cowardly bard, a chaotic stupid barbarian, a cleric, a thief, and me, a Ranger.  I seem to me to be the likely choice, either me or the cleric and I think he wants to be leader less than I do.  So, I will more than likely try to step up.

Besides, we got Yuan-Ti in our immediate future.  I have a personal vendetta against Yuan-Ti in general.  So I really won’t be listening to anyone else anyway, so they might as well listen to me.

I posted in the Facebook group of my D&D game that is starting on January 2nd that I needed 2 more players and I was tapped out of possibilities.  The DM of the Friday night games, who is a player in mine, said he has me covered.  Alrighty then, I will not try to find 2 more players if he has people in mind.  That will give me 5 for sure players.  Which is plenty.  6 is optimum.  We’ll have 6 if my one friend can swing Tuesday nights off from his new job.

Mom will be here Saturday around noon.  That’s good.  That’ll give us a day before we have to drive up to Rochester.  I like spending time with my mom.  Like I said before, I wish it was for a better reason.  But I will take seeing my mom any way I can.

Steps forward in 2 medical issues. Yeah.

Progress on the back pain front.  I got an epidural shot in my neck again.  After this initial achy feeling, I should be pain free for 3ish months in my neck/shoulder area.  Then he finally ordered a set of x-rays of my spine, this is in order to see if there is any visible problem with my spine (there isn’t or if there is color my surprised).  In any event, this is first step of getting things done to make me have less back pain.  After he gets the results of my x-rays (Monday) he will probably order an MRI.  The MRI is to show all the muscles and veins and stuff.  He would then be able to see what is damage there.  This will be good.  Hoping to get the MRI scheduled before the end of the year.  Gonna be a pain in the butt to get it done between Christmas and New Years.  But yay for the first step taken to getting relief.

I go to Mayo Clinic, in Rochester, MN, from Dec 18-20.  This is for my platelet issue.  They could have gotten me in to see someone today, but that was kinda short notice to pack up and get there.  As it is, my mom is flying in on Saturday to drive me up to Mayo on Sunday, then we are staying til Wednesday at least.  Mayo said they tell new patients that it is gonna be 1 to 3 days. DOH.  So, I made me hotel reservation for 4 nights, just in case Wednesday runs late and we have to stay til Thursday.  Anyhow, I hold out a lot of hope that Mayo knows something that Dr. Wehbe doesn’t.  That there is a cure for treatment related myleodysplacia.  I do not want to be getting infusions for the rest of my life.  And that is what I am looking at right now.  So off to Mayo to hopefully get my platelet problem fixed.

It’s off Friday for our every other Friday D&D game.  Still not sure why it’s every other Friday and not every Friday, but hey, DM says every other, it’s all good.  Had a blast last week, and am looking forward to next week.

I still only have 3 players for my new D&D campaign.  I still have some time to find more, but it’s weird, I have 11 players for 2 campaigns before and only 3 for new campaign.  Oh well, I will find 1 or 2 more.  Rest assure we will have 4 maybe 5 players in my new campaign.  I’ve tentatively made some decisions as to what the campaign is going to be, I would post them, but they are not concrete decisions yet and at least 1 of my players reads this blog.  So just trust me when I say things are happening for it.  But still don’t know if it;’s gonna be Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday night.  That might not be decided until the week we begin lol.  Sorry guys, but that may be all the notice I can give.

Last night I forgot it was Thursday again.  I only caught the last 5 minutes of Leukemia chat.  I got to tell them I am going to Mayo.  They are very much rooting for some miracle cure for me.  It’s a real shame I have problems with remembering Thursday until it’s too late.  Those are good people who really are rooting for me.

I did go to Edwina’s Bipolar Chat and tell them about going to Mayo too.  Most of those people are rooting for me too.  Most of those people are good people who drew a crappy card from the deck of life.

I’m happy my mom is coming to visit.  I wish it was for a better reason (like she wanted to) and not because I needed to go to Mayo.  But I get to spend a few days just me and mom.  That is cool.   I love my mom.  She is the greatest.  I miss her terribly.  But I understand her desire to be back in the Region.  So, I just get to be happy when we visit her and she visits us.


Treatment Related Myleodysplasia

Well, I went to get the results of my bone marrow biopsy.  They turned it into a full appointment.  I was fine with that.  They did a blood draw (normal procedure) and my platelets were 28.  Apparently the 46 I got from the hospital was a mistake.  Dr. Wehbe says I have Treated Related Myelodysplasia or totally trashed bone marrow and there is nothing that can be done for it.  He has encouraged me to try Mayo Clinic and see if they have any idea.  The only treatment Teresa found online is Stem Cell Transplant and I am not a candidate for that (yet) cuz I am in remission from leukemia, and nothing else is wrong with me.

I filled out the form for an appointment at Mayo Clinic.  It was online.  Says they will call me within 3 days to set up an appointment.  They are my best hope.  At this point, they are my only hope.

My mood is still good.  Even though I am bummed.  Gotta love my stability meds.  If I let the above get to me too much I would probably be really upset and that achieves nothing.  So, mellow, happy Jeff is what I am gonna be.

I have decided to start a new D&D game (me being the DM) after the 1st of year.  I have 3 confirmed players as of now, I would 5 or 6, but I have time to find more.  It’s going to be Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday night from 8pm to 10 pm Eastern time.  Yeah, so far I am the only Central time guy, so I have taken to quoting Eastern time.  As for right now, I don’t know what level players are gonna be, I am not sure where in my world I am gonna start them, not sure much about anything.  But I have a while to figure all that out and I have asked my players for opinions and desires.

I am still going to play in the every other Friday game, this being an off week.  Next week we (the players) need to gel as a group as opposed to a bunch of individuals.  Last week we really didn’t gel.  Someone (hopefully not me) needs to step up and take leadership (I’ll do it if they make me).  But even if we don’t gel and no one steps up, we will still have fun.  So, I guess it’s all good.

We were awakened this morning at 3:55am by Teresa’s work calling cuz of a big outage.  It’s now 11:18 and she is still working on it.  I am thankful that she is finally off the group phone call.  Trying to decide if it is nap time or food time.  Probably food then nap after I am done writing this blog.

My blood pressure is doing weird things.  It was really high at the biopsy, and totally normal today.  I don’t know if I should go back on blood pressure meds or not.  I probably should make an appointment with Chris my Physician Assistant (Doctor wannabe).  I have other tests that need to be done, that were due months and months ago.  But I have been pretty healthy (besides stupid platelets and that one major cold), so I haven’t went to see him.

I’m not into all of these, but some I will admit to.

30 year High School Reunion, really?

Well, I had my 8th bone marrow biopsy yesterday.  Got a lot of holes in my hip bone now,  this was just one more.  Weird thing, my platelets were 46.  Which is a considerably improvement from 30 where they had been.  Now the question is: Did they make a mistake? or am all the sudden my platelets are improving?  I don’t know which it is.  I’d like to think that the hospital lab didn’t make a mistake.  It would be way cool to be heading in the right direction again, we still wouldn’t have an answer as to why my platelets crashed, but maybe just maybe my platelets are getting better. Guess we will find out on Thursday when I see my cancer doc,

Beyond that games and stuff we bought on Black Friday, I ordered Teresa a gift which arrived yesterday.  I wasn’t expecting it to come in a plain box, I figured it would come just as it was.  I was worried she would see it and know what it was, but being in a plain box, she saw it and had no idea.  Cool.  I hope she likes it.  If she doesn’t want it, I will keep if for myself.

Next September my High School Class is having a 30 year reunion for 1987 1988 1989, or so it seems as of now.  It was just 88 and 89 yesterday, but today its 87 and 88.  I’m sure the organizers will get their act together and announce it correctly soon.  Well, however it comes down, I think I will be going to the Portage High School Class of 1988 High School Class Reunion.  This will be the first high school reunion that I will make it to.  I wasn’t invited to any earlier ones except the 25th, we were broke then, I couldn’t make it.  Now, the 30th being a joint reunion means I potentially get to go and see many more friends than if it was just our class, so that is kinda cool.

The only other reunion I attended was Teresa’s 10 year reunion and that was BORING.  I didn’t know many of the people and she said she didn’t associate with many more of them. So we sat at the table, ate, and talked with the friend who had made Teresa and therefore me go.

Now I wasn’t a social butterfly in High School.  And my class was huge (not by the standards of classes graduating now from Portage High School).  There are a lot of people who will be there that I do not know and many more than I will not remember, especially with them making it for 3 classes.   Oh well, I will go and visit my friends and maybe reconnect with some others.  It should be good.

Oh yeah, the have set a date of September 22, 2018 for the reunion.  That’s as good of date as any I guess.

My mood has improved greatly with the weather turning winter cold.  I’m actually in a pretty decent mood.  Seasonal Affective Disorder is weird.  The weirdest thing triggers it and the weirder things trigger it to stop.   I am glad that I don’t have the depths of winter SAD, that would suck.  Where is goes from January to March.  Cold and depressed.  **shiver**.

Being in a better mood makes me want to go out, but I don’t want to be cold.  Still need to find my hat, gloves and scarf.  Iowa winters can be brutal cold.  I hope my big winter coat still fits, I recall it getting hard to zip up last year, and I have put on weight since then.  DOH.  Well, this week I will search everything out and try my big coat on.

I have complained about no big stars coming to Des Moines.  Well, I am wrong again, Katy Perry (who you can argue isn’t as big of a star and she used to be) did a show here just a few days ago.  I hear it was a sell out.  Good for her.  Good for Des Moines.  With the rate that the towns around Des Moines are growing, I figure more big tours will be stopping here.  That’ll be good.

I don’t miss working and not getting paid.  lol.  But I do miss getting to go to Chamber of Commerce events.  I miss my “chamber friends”, people who I saw and hug out with at chamber events but not friends to go to lunch with or anything.  And now, with me accepting my disabled status, there is nothing to gain out of going to lunch with me anyway.


Because I heard it on Music Choice and its stuck in my head.

Good morning Starshine, The Earth says Hello

Getting up at 5am tomorrow to get to showered and dressed, Teresa is getting up at 5:30.  This is to get to the hospital by 7am.  The hospital is pretty much in the center of Des Moines, and it takes a good 40 to 45 minutes to get there.  We will be going before traffic, which will be good.  My biopsy is scheduled for 8:30am.  Yes, it take 1 1/2 hours to get registered and have the blood draw and tested and get all prepped for the biopsy.  Once the biopsy starts it takes about 5 minutes, but I will be doped up for another 45 or so.  They give you good drugs so you don’t hurt when they do it, but when those drugs wear off the site of the biopsy is really achy.  And it remains achy for 3 days.  Hopefully this will be the LAST biopsy I get for a long while.  But I thought that about the biopsy I had 4 months ago.  Oh well, better safe than sorry.

By the way, I have no other symptoms of leukemia, not paler than usual and my energy level is pretty normal.  So, it is just my platelets that is warranting this biopsy which is the exact same reason that I had the biopsy 4 months ago (which was normal).

Winter is supposed to arrive this week.  63 high today, 65 high tomorrow, 37 high on Tuesday, then downhill from there.  Even a chance of a “lite” snow on Friday.  My chemo destroyed system does not like being cold, doesn’t like being hot either (but I have no worry about that right now).  I have a big thick winter coat that is supposed to keep me warm down to 30 below, it does a decent job on what it covers but damn my legs and feet get cold.  Need to find my gloves, hat and scarf.  Yeah, I have become a weather wimp, I am ok with that.  If I ever win a lot of money, I am moving away from IOWA and its extreme weather.

My mood has improved.  Still on the low side, but much better than I was before my vacation and better than I was yesterday.  So with the winter coming, my mood gets better.  It’s just fall that sets me off; September, October and November.  The depression does sometimes hang around thru December if the weather doesn’t turn (last year for instance).  So come on winter, I am almost ready for you 😛



I thought I had lost the key to my wife’s car.  However, it turns out she borrowed it cuz she lost hers.  It costs 250 dollars to replace said key, ick ack yuck.  I thought mine disappeared at the funeral.  Shows how much driving I do, she borrowed the key on Tuesday and I didn’t notice til Friday.  Anyhow, I went thru the hassle of calling our car repair people to find out how much it was to make another key.  Then Teresa told me she borrowed it after I told her I called to get a replacement key made.   DOH.  Her key is somewhere in the house.

I have been trying to play computer games, Civ4 Warlords, the old standby isn’t getting me interested.  I get to where oil is discovered and just bail.  I own Civ5 and Civ6.  Civ5 is just plain weird, and Civ6 might be too complicated for my poor feeble brain.  I have thought of getting back into Skyrim, I had a lot of fund playing Skyrim, but that’s not pulling me in either.  Age of Empires and Age of Wonders, age of not interested right now.  I don’t know what is up in my head.  I used to be a gaming junky and now all I seem to do is read Facebook and post blog entries.  Gonna have to force myself to play something seriously and get back into computer gaming.  Oh yeah, I forgot, I have been playing a little bit of World of Warcraft.  But even that isn’t really interesting me much.  Pet Battles with my new Troll hunter and Garrison stuff with Ughughkill.

My back has been feeling better, not well but better.  I am not hurting as much when I wake up.  That can mean 2 things, my back IS getting better now that I am moving around a lot more or I have learned to sleep as to not cause the back to hurt as much.  Either way, I still take a Flexeril every morning.  And I very rarely have to resort to my pain pills of which I have about 10 left.  When I see Dr. Ransdell, we are gonna have a long talk about pain and how nothing he has tried or had me try is working.   Plus the shot he gave me in the neck region has worn off, so I am back to having pain across my entire back, not just the mid/lower parts.

My desk is a mess.  Teresa says I never throw anything away, and that is why I come across like a slob.  And as I look around the desktop, I got a lot of junk on my desk that needs to be pitched.  Perhaps that will be my project for later today.

Meat Loaf in the morning

Last night’s D&D game was entertaining.  Had a lot of technical issues.  Had people arrive at late and at inopportune times.  But all in all it was fun.  We played for 3+ hours, we were bound to accomplish something and I think we did.  We know who some of the bad guys are.  We know who supplies the “funky mushrooms” and have a map to where he is.  We know how to rescue the townsfolk sorta.  I think we are in good shape.  We did not see any combat but the Barbarian did kill a well and a couple of doors.  It is a shame that we have to wait 2 weeks to resume this game, but hey I am just a player, have to follow what the DM says.

The funeral yesterday was really nice but sad.  The parts that weren’t in Hebrew were really well said.  The rabbi was spot on in his presentation.  We sent my friend off in a good way.

Afterwards there was a condolence luncheon.  I had a blintz and a sweet noodle dish and some vegetables.  They had a lot of fish stuff, being allergic to fish stuff I had to be careful.  But the stuff I did eat was phenomenal.

Teresa had a rough week at work last week.  And will probably have a rough week next week too.  Stupid people working on the big project with her not getting things done.  Her having to pick up all the slack as well as do her own work, and then there we outages, which it seems she is the only one who can fix those too.   It’s just unfair to her, I wish there was something that could be done to help her, but there isn’t, so I just listen when she vents and then tell her I love her, cuz that is really all I can do.

I’m a little nervous about the upcoming bone marrow biopsy.  Nothing good can come out of the results.  Definitely various degrees of bad.  Worst case scenario:  My leukemia is back.  Not likely, I have no other symptoms.  Best case scenario:  They find nothing wrong.  My platelets are still ridiculously low and we still have no clue as to why.

Yeah, the plan is still Mayo Clinic to hopefully get some answers.  But it can take months to get into Mayo, and what if they don’t have any clue either?

Mojo is funny, every morning when I wake up before Teresa and head to my computer he growls and barks at me, waking Teresa up.  He charges me, I pet him and he goes back to bed.  This has been happening since we moved the computer setup into the back half of the bedroom.  Teresa thinks its fixable if I run around the bed and feed him and Pucky, I am thinking either way I have to walk by the computer desk on the way to get the food and bowls, he will still growl and bark.  It’s not a big deal, just seems weird to me.

Here is one of my favorite artists…singing his most famous song.