Goodbye Inkling, Hello Idea

Restoril is good stuff.  I like how it helps me sleep the whole night.  Still not a big fan of the lingering tiredness, but like I said, I’ll get used to it.  I didn’t sleep as much last night as the night before, only about 9 hours, but they were a good 9 hours of sleep, what more can I ask for in the sleep realm?  I wonder if Dr. Alkhateeb wrote the script for more or not?  Will find out later.


Not cycling at all.  Everything is back to normal.  I am mellow happy Hectic.  I am so happy (not manicy) that I stopped the cycling after a week or so.


Teresa is working from home today cuz she couldn’t get out of the driveway this morning.  We got a lot of snow (for us) overnight.  I would estimate 6 to 9 inches is about right.  So I get to spend the day with my wife.  Even though she is working, I like to have her around the house.


The web development Udemy course is calling.  I hope to get thru quite a bit of it today as I didn’t get as much done as I wanted yesterday.   I am still on BASIC HTML and am a little bored, I foresee it changing soon even.  I know the basic html fairly well.  I can make a website that looks like something from the early 90s already.  I need to learn CSS and JavaScript, which she covers.  And databases, which she also covers.  So I need to buckle down and get to it.


I personally had fun with last nights D&D session.  I think my players did too.  Only 1 combat, and a bunch of roleplay.  It went smoothly, like we hadn’t been on hiatus for 2 months, like we didn’t lose a wizard and gain a wizard.  It’s all good.  The players fell back into their roles perfectly and we played.


Next session if Jason’s Friday night game.  Hope I don’t get sick again.  Last week on Saturday, the players asked Jason about me, checking to make sure I was ok.  That was nice of them.  They don’t know me from anyone yet they cared enough to check up on me.  Yeah, I am gonna like playing with them.


I figured out what I am doing for Sunday’s game.  Slavers.  It’ll be fun.  They are gonna assault a slaver caravan and rescue a slave.  Yup, that’s what I have planned.


The ridiculous cold hits tomorrow and Friday, will lows of -9, wind chills down to -25 to   -35.  Morning is not the time to go out for the next few days.  Nope, too fricking cold.  Plus its supposed to snow every day for the next 4 or 5.  Not a lot of snow, just enough to keep the roads a mess.


Still waiting for the fireplace repair guy.  Good thing we aren’t in a rush.  It should be about a 10 minute fix we think, it was the last time it broke like this.  But hey, it’s the middle of winter and there are people without heat, they should go first.


Exactly 2 weeks until my trip up to Mayo for the Bone Marrow Biopsy.  They will also check my blood levels, and I will also see the pharmacist and Dr. Alkhateeb himself.  I hope it isn’t snowing while we head up there cuz if they close the 35 we are screwed.


My idea has become more than an inkling.  I have actually done some preliminary work on said idea.  Nothing too serious.  Just an outline.  More ideas to add to my idea.  I think I liked it more as an inkling.  But its too big to be an inkling now.  So idea it is.  My idea might get squashed by the results of my bone marrow biopsy.   But it’s all good, it’s given me something to work on besides D&D.  So I think its good for me.  So everyone mark today as the day my inkling officially became an idea.


Everything is cool seriously

I slept about 11 1/2 hours last night.  I switched to Restoril instead of Ambien.  Slept like the dead.  Don’t even recall Teresa getting up to go to work this morning.  I think I like Restoril better than Ambien.  More even sleep.  And as you all know, I do love my sleep.  The problem is we have very few Restoril left and if Dr. Alkhateeb doesn’t want to write the script, I am sol.  So let’s hope Dr. Alkhateeb understands the need for me to sleep and writes the prescription.


So far, so good on the cycling front today, but then again I haven’t been conscious that long.  But I have been up an hour and I’m not ridiculously happy or horribly depressed, so we will call it a win so far.  The cycling was driving me batty.  I was really worried I was gonna cycle til the results of my bone marrow biopsy.   But it seems, as of right now, that my cycling is back under control.


Today, after I write this blog entry, I plan to work on the class at Udemy.  I believe we were just about to make our first webpage when I stopped it.  Since we haven’t really learned any html, I don’t think it’s going to be much of a webpage.  Maybe in the lesson she will show us some basic html and then make us do the webpage.  But the last thing I remember her promising was we will build our first webpage.  Since I know basic html, I could probably skip ahead a bunch, but I feel its kind of important to hear it all.  And to do all the lame assignments as well as the cool ones.


Then tonight is Tuesday night D&D back from it’s hiatus.


I want to do lunch with Drew and Jon but the weather is not cooperating.  Its being a typical January and I don’t go out if its ridiculously cold or actively snowing.  I have the luxury of not having to go out in said weather.  Probably the best benefit of being disabled.  But the reality is once I get cold, I can’t warm up for hours.  So I just avoid the cold when I can.  If I can, I will catch them soon, if not it will be 55ish days when its Spring.


Speaking of cold and snow.  Its supposed to be snowing today, but I don’t see any falling.  I believe it did rain/freezing rain this morning, but I don’t see any fresh snow, yet.  They said 2 to 4 inches here for today.  Then tomorrow it supposed to get brutal col and just colder and colder, with a random snow day thrown in there.   Yeah, I would say I love Iowa winters, but that would be a lie.


Our gas fireplace has been broke for a few years (like 7) and Teresa finally got it into her head that she wanted it fixed.  So I sent a request for service to the repair people, they are taking care of people without heat first and we will be taken care of when they can fit us in.  Seems reasonable.


This is the problem with Restoril, it doesn’t like to let go.   I have been up for nearly two hours and I am still yawning and tired.  But I can get used to it again, I have before.


Time is crawling by.  I need it to be February 6th, then I need it to be February 27thish.  I have things I want to do that require the results of my bone marrow biopsy.  And time is just going so slow.


The bone marrow biopsy is key to giving life to my inkling.  I can work around the chemo. I can work around trips to Mayo.  But I can’t work around bad results on the bone marrow biopsy.  Bad results are just gonna put a damper on everything.  Bad results will squash my inkling.   And I happen to think my inkling is a good idea.


not sleeping cycling and no Scotland

I slept 1 1/2 hours “last night” and napped for 1 hour today.  I am a wiped out zombie today.  So tired, but couldn’t get back to sleep.  I even took an Ambien last night and didn’t sleep.  Anxiety must be really building up in me and I just didn’t realize it.  Well, if I don’t nap again this afternoon (which I will probably try) I am sure to sleep well tonight.  Body needs to sleep, anxiety can screw itself.


Well, I am still cycling.  Mentally I am all messed up.  I go from happy happy to doom and gloom depressed in the matter of a couple hours and then go back a couple hours after that.  I haven’t cycled like this in a long time.  I forgot how crappy cycling is.  Seriously, I haven’t cycled down is so long, depressions suck the life out of you, and for me the way I cycle, 2 hours after being in a serious depression I am bouncing off the walls happy.  This sucks.


Speaking of things that suck, my brother and I are not going to Scotland in October.  With a 4 to 6 month chemo run coming up, I won’t be in any shape to walk around Scotland in October.  Heck, I may still be getting chemo in October.  Anyhow, I decided to call it off for this year because of the chemo schedule.  Cancer wins again.  SUCKAGE.  I really wanted to go.


So, mom is coming to visit again in March I believe.  She said she would come after I get my results.  Since I probably won’t have the results until the 27th of February, March is a good time for her to come.  We are set up for her and/or Jim to come any time now.  I hope they take advantage of our offer to come anytime.  Especially since I can’t go see them now cuz of their cats.  I can’t visit anyone who has cats for a long time.


I bought a different Web Development course on Udemy.  I didn’t like the instructor really in the first course I tried.  So, this one is taught by a woman.  I have always learned better from women.  So far the course has just covered the basics of what is the internet but it was presented in a really nice way.  It’s a regular 199.00 course, I got it for 11.99.  40 hours of instruction.  I am thru about an hour of it, I would be doing it today, but I am too tired to think straight.


Nest, our smoke alarm and carbon monoxide detector just did a self test, a few beeps, and the dogs are going nuts.  Maybe, they are done barking, sounds like they are done barking.  Nope, Mojo hasn’t given up.  Heh, they came when I called, must not have been a big threat.  And the dogs are back to sleep.


It is supposed to snow again tomorrow.  We didnt get the 5 to 11 inches on Friday, maybe we will get the 1 to 3 inches on Tuesday.  I wonder what the amount is we are supposed to get next Friday.   Yeah, we are supposed to get a little snow every couple of days.  Yay rah, just enough where Gordy, our neighbor, gets out the snow blower and clears our driveway and the sidewalk as required by law.  Everyone should have a Gordy as a neighbor, he’s a heck of a nice guy.


I broached the subject of my inkling of an idea with some folks on twitter.  They were highly receptive to the idea.  Heh, market research!?!?!?!  Need a lot more than a few people on board before my inkling becomes anything more than an inkling.  And I need to get a webpage up which  means I really need to go thru the web development course on Udemy.  But for now, it’s an inkling and will stay an inkling, not spending any more than 11.99 on this inkling at this time.  I have to survive this MDS crap so my inkling can have life.  Yup, that’s exactly what I have to do.


Up and down the joys of bipolar

Yesterday evening turned into a big ball of depression.  I hate Bipolar and I hate cycling.  By night it was better.  The depression only lasted a couple hours but it was bad, real bad.  Been going thru mood swings a lot since finding out my blood stats dropped.  I wish it was the end of February already so I would know.  February 6th is just a stepping stone to getting the information we need.  The real information we need will come between February 20th and 27th.  Gods, please don’t make me cycle for that whole time.  That would suck.


Today, so far, I am doing pretty good.  I slept in til 11:30am after going to be at 10:30pm.   So 13 hours last night.  Yeah, it goes totally against what I tell Dr. Alkhateeb, but I like to sleep.  After I got up I weighed myself, 197, was pleasantly surprised.  Ate some pulled pork and Hawaiian rolls for breakfast, only went to 197.8.  Yeah, buddy.  I will figure out this weight thing if it kills me (but it’ll have to take a number to do that).


Teresa thinks it is weird that I drink my Gatorade room temperature.  Back when I was getting chemo before the transplant, I started gagging and dry heaving water.  So, Jon, one of the nurses suggested Gatorade.  Worked like a charm.  So I started drinking a lot of Gatorade.  At first I wanted it cold, but then I found that I liked the flavors better room temperature.  So I have been drinking them that way for about 4 months now.  I think Teresa just found out.


I’m excited for the game on Tuesday night.  We have been on break for way too long.  It’s all good though, I have Tuesday night all planned out.  The party is going to be ask to do a mission in the Hole proper and its gonna take them just about everywhere in the Hole.  In case you don’t know, the Hole is a city that was built by the dwarves in an extinct volcano.  Anyhow, the party will traipse all over the Hole and it should be a good time.


Next Sunday I still haven’t figured out what to do yet.  Very unlike me to be so wishy-washy, but it comes with my cycling.  I will think of something between now and then.  I always come up with something.  Its not always good, but its something.


I look forward to Friday night and trying Jason’s game again.  Hopefully not getting sick this time.  It was a lot of fun until I overheated.  I put a fan over by my gaming computer just in case.


I’ve been trying to read the Cypher Rulebook for the last few days.  I am getting nowhere fast, my mind won’t calm down enough to allow me to read.  I decided to try to read the Cypher book because the Call of Cthulhu book is such heavy reading.  So many rules.  Cypher is supposed to let you create whatever genre you want to, and like I said before, I want super heroes.


I’m also trying to learn web development thru Udemy.  I bought the course during a manic over a year ago.  Might as well get use out of it.  I think I paid 10 bucks for the course.  The guy who made it is really sharp and knew what he was doing.  So, hopefully, where I can’t read, maybe watching a video and listening will work.  I really want to learn web development.  I mean, I can make a simple webpage now.  But I want a dynamic webpage with a form and a searchable database and a forum and a storefront of sorts.  I want to build all of that myself.


That is for inkling of an idea.  Just a bunch of thoughts right now.  Nothing truly to talk about yet.  Won’t be anything to seriously talk about until after I find out the results of the biopsy.  If they are bad, there will never be anything to talk about, if they are good, I will probably be ready to make an announcement out of this inkling of an idea.  But right now, it’s just what I said it was… a bunch of thoughts.


I didn’t die at least not yet

Well, the game was going good last night.  Then I got sick, well not sick, I just felt sick all the sudden and the forehead temp thing said 102.  I had to bail cuz my head was swimming.  A couple Tylenol and a good nights sleep and I feel much better today.  Was a little shaky earlier, but this afternoon I feel pretty damn good.


My mood continues to yo-yo.  Not in a good mood, not in a depressed mood, just sorta trying to exist without cycling at this time.  Its not working, but I’m trying.  I am still a bit upset about my blood tests last Monday and that is throwing me for loops.  Yeah, I’ve pointed out there is nothing that can be done about it as of now, but that doesn’t make me feel any better about it.


I slept last night, a good solid sleep.  From 9:30ish to 9:30ish.  About 12 hours.  My body obviously needed it.  Yes, I took an Ambien.  Which means the Ambien needed it to.


My weight keeps bouncing between 198 and 201.  I can handle that.  Means I am Fat according to the BMI, and I don’t care.   Nope, I am happy with my weight where I am.  Sure, I am back to I could afford to lose a few pounds, but that is a good place for me.


I decided that I am gonna just continue to write my book even though chapters 13+14 were not up to the level 1 thru 12 were.  I can always go back in rewrite what I don’t like during the editing processes.  I am enjoying writing again, so who cares if its not as good as the pre-transplant stuff.  I am having fun, and that is what matters.


3 1/2 meals out of the pizza from Taste of New York.  It was HUGE.  And very good.  That makes it a little less than 8 bucks a meal.  That is not bad.  Next time I am getting pasta or a calzone but I’ll keep that T.O.N.Y.’s meat pizza in mind.


I mentioned what happened with Jason’s game at the start of this blog.  I really don’t know what happened.  I just overheated.  Overheating during a Snow Storm… irony.  Seriously, I went from feeling fine to feeling like I was burning up in the matter of moments.   Everything was going cool and then I am telling them I have to go.   I hope they don’t dislike me for bailing.  I do plan to be back next week.  And I am gonna set up my little fan just in case.  But in my defense, I was really cold when we started, so its weird that I overheated and started running a fever.


I won’t rehash Tuesday and Sunday again.  You can go back and read what is happening then in yesterday’s blog.


2 1/2 weeks until my bone marrow biopsy.  Then about the same amount of time for the results.  I am kinda dreading the results this time.  I was looking forward to them, but not with my numbers dropping.  Nothing good comes out of blood stat numbers dropping.  Which means in all likelihood that my biopsy results are gonna suck.  Which means…


more chemo and no trip to Scotland in October.  Dr. Alkhateeb is gonna try to beat this disease/condition and I get to be the subject of his attempts.  I have all the faith in the world in Dr. Alkhateeb.  I am just at the point where I don’t want any more chemo, I don’t want another transplant transfusion (he is talking about giving me more of the donor’s stem cells), I don’t want to go thru this stuff anymore, especially if they aren’t gonna make me better.  And Dr. Alkhateeb can’t say with any certainty that any of it will make any difference.  This is my problem.


But have to assume I am gonna survive.  Right now I am working on my inkling of an idea for a project.  Just some no-cost fiddling around with the idea.  I am still not ready to announce what it is.  But I think it’s a good idea.  Got to learn some stuff.  Don’t want to have to pay for stuff I could do. But yeah, this is day #2 of announcement of inkling of idea.


Back to regular scheduled blog

Mood still pretty good.  Not letting things get into my head.  I sometimes can shut the crap out that is gonna cause problems.  That is what I am doing now.  It doesn’t always work, but when it does it’s nice.


I slept funky last night even with the Ambien.  I kept waking up.  Has to be stress related.  Can’t do anything about things right now, so stress settles in at night and the anxiety hits.  I couldn’t nap today either, although I am plenty tired enough to.


199 pounds.  That is my goal weight and that is where I sit right now.  Exactly at 199.  Not 200, not 198… 199.  I told Teresa I wanted to be under 200 pounds and I keep edging above that line and then dropping back down.  I like 199.  I hope I can stay around that mark for the long run.


Yeah, I wrote chapters 13+14 in my book and they don’t read as smooth as 1-12.  It’s like a different author sat down and wrote the new chapters.  It almost has to be the remains of chemo brain having an affect on my writing.  You can have problems with chemo brain for up to 2 years after you finish chemo.  I’m not even at a year yet.  Sucks, but that is how it is.


Taste of New York was a winner in our house last night.  Teresa really liked her Pepperoni Calzone and my Mega-Meat Pizza was delicious.  Taste of New York will definitely be on the list of places Teresa goes to after Wal-Mart grocery runs.  Gives us variety as opposed to always Panda Express.


Tonight is my first night gaming in Jason’s game.  Alonzo is ready, except his background, I’ll write it sometime.  It’s gonna be weird playing again, I haven’t played since Danny’s debacle and before that it was a LONG time.  Should be easier than riding a bike.  Should be able to get into the groove fairly quickly.  Alonzo should be a fun character to play.  I am excitedly nervous.  We start at 6pm my time.


Tuesday is restart night from the long hiatus.  The party is in for a big surprise.  I can’t tell you what it is, cuz several of the players read this blog now.  It’s just gonna be a different sort of adventure.  They’re gonna have a chance to be heroes or at least more well respected in the city.  LOL.  I’ll tell you all about it on Wednesday.


Next week Sunday we start the level 3 adventure.  I still have no clue what I am gonna do with them.  I got a  week and a few days to come up with something.  I will too.  I’ve spent so much time getting Tuesday ready that Sunday has been put to the wayside.  And Sunday will be the first adventure, so it has to be good.  Oh well, I got my work cut out for me I guess.


Cori is working on getting her game ready for Wednesday nights.  At least she said she was, but she still has real life things that she has to take care of, so there might be more of a delay.  Oh well, I can wait.


OK seriousness here, with my blood stats dropping, things have gotten real again.  I may not survive.  There is only so much modern medicine can do for MDS/AML.  And then they give you the ,”There is nothing more we can do for you” speech.  I guess I am ready whichever way things turn out.  Nothing will happen right away, if I am gonna die, it will be a lingering thing, not years, but long enough.  I will know more about things after the Feb 6th results which will be available the end of Feb.   I’m just babbling about this now.  I don’t want to die and I certainly don’t want to suffer before I die.  I wish I believed in God.   It would be comforting to have a higher up to talk to.  But then I would just blame him for the MDS/AML anyway, so probably better that I don’t believe in him.


But anyhow, I have an inkling of a plan for the future if I do survive.  Teresa would have to get on board.  And I would need help.  But that is in the future.  Just note that today I have announced I have an idea.


No gaming talk at all

After my mood crash yesterday, today I bounced back and am in a pretty good mood.  Yeah, still got medical crap weighing heavyish on me, but what the hell, nothing can be done about it now so quit being upset about it.  Just live.


I didn’t sleep well last night, I tried to sleep without Ambien and it was kind of a disaster.  I had an Ambien next to the bed to take, but I want to get off it again.  Stress might just be keeping me from sleeping though, so I might need the help.  So tonight I will take an Ambien.  —  I did manage to nap twice this morning.  I haven’t been able to nap in ages.  It felt so good falling back asleep not once but twice.  Yeah buddy, I used to be the king of naps.  Now, not so much.


At my low point I weight 183 pounds.  As of today, I weigh 200.8 pounds.  Significance is I have managed to put on weight, now the question is can I keep it from getting out of hand again and I don’t balloon up to 234.5 again.  I’d like to stay around 200 pounds, but it’s hard.  Another round of chemo might help though.  Chemo is notorious for lost weight.   So, I should be good for a while.


I started working on my book again.  The book I started back before the transplant.  I reread the first 12 chapters and thought they were good.  I was surprised.  So I wrote chapter 13 last night, not as happy with it, gonna rework it.  Hope to knock out a chapter a day around my not so busy schedule.  But to read it and like it, that’s cool.


Somebody sent me a pair of Rayban sunglasses.  I don’t know who.  The thought is appreciated, but I can’t see without my prescription glasses, so I will never wear these nice sunglasses.


Teresa is going to Wal-Mart after work.  Normally we have Panda Express for dinner after her Wal-Mart trips.  However, I had Chinese for dinner last night, breakfast this morning, and lunch this afternoon.   I am Chinese burned out.  So the great discussion of where she should go to get dinner to bring home is happening right now.  I voted for Applebee’s.  We haven’t had it in quite a while.  I have a back up suggestion if she shoots Applebee’s down.  Taste of New York Pizza.  New York style pizza.  But then she would have to get out of the car in the cold.  I don’t want her to have to do that.  I’ll come up with a third choice.


Applebee’s got shot down.  Pitched Taste of New York.  Waiting for response.


Taste of New York for the win.  Got her with the Calzones.   Yeah, buddy.


Pucky and Mojo are great nap buddies for the most part.  They find a spot to lay and fall asleep faster than I do.  And they don’t move much at all.  An occasional twitch or stretch is all.  I sometimes have to fight with Pucky over where he is gonna sleep vs where I am gonna sleep, but I usually win so its all good.