A ramble about depression

My Ghosts of Saltmarsh book arrived today.  I forgot I actually ordered it o so long ago.  Too bad I am still dealing with my depression and just threw it on the D&D Bookshelf, where D&D books go to be unlooked at for a long time usually.   I didn’t even crack it open, just opened the box, took it out and put the book on the shelf.  Normally new D&D books at least get a once over, but not today….  today have been sucking the life out of me.

Woke up at 4:20 and couldn’t fall back asleep.  That means I got 5 hours and twenty minutes of sleep.  No wonder I am so fricking tired.   Anyhow, that was how my day started, laying in the dark for and hour and a half, waiting for Alexa to tell Teresa it was time to get up at 6.

From 4:20 on I have been in a seriously depressed mood.  No, I am not suicidal.  Just wish I was dead.  There IS a huge difference.   This depression has to break soon or I am going to end up in a wacko ward somewhere, and we do not want that to ever happen.  But this depression is the part that is sucking the life out of me today as I have already mentioned.

I coughed hard for 2 hours straight, right after I ate breakfast.  Makes me think I might very well have reflux again causing said cough.  The surgery I had in 2004 was only “guaranteed” for 10 years, and its been 15 years.  I don’t hurt like I did when I had bad GERD and I still can’t burp most of the time.  I really should get myself to a gastroenterologist and have then do an upper GI to look into this possibility.  Would make sense as after I eat, I cough.  I can go hours during the day without a single cough, then I would eat something and start coughing.  And the more I eat the longer I cough.  So, tomorrow I call Chris (the PA) for a referral.  Forget the neurologist, forget the pulmonologist, it’s time to call in the gastroenterologist.

Teresa came home from work at lunch time for me.  Her being here puts me in a slightly better mood.  I love being around her.  I love her.   And she came home just in time for nap time.  DOH.  Anyhow, I sleep better with her around too.

Skyrim:  I am playing yet another Orc Warrior, she wields a 2 Handed sword.   With her I did the whole main Alduin questline early.  I was done with killing Alduin by level 15.  Now she is level 17 and I am unsure of where I am gonna go with her.

I also have 2 khajitt warrior/thief character.  One is the level 51.  The other is level 21 or 22.  The first hit level 51 dealing with Dawnguard and all their quests before I got bored.  Plus I realized that since she killed the Dark Brotherhood there are no followers that are able to keep up in level, well that’s not entirely true, there are a cough (2) that go to level 60, but Legendary Dragons don’t start to spawn till level 75…  So, she is a little stuck with where to go after the Vampires.   For now, when I play her I am finishing the Vampire stuff.

The other one is just different.   The only thing she has going for her that the first one does is she is a khajitt.  Otherwise everything is being mixed up in order.   And she probably will never do the Vampire quests beyond the basics.

In the interim I have tried a high elf mage, a wood elf archer, and another Nord warrior. And probably a few others.   Khajitt and Orcs are the only ones I enjoy I guess. They are the only ones who get to the level 20s which are fairly easy to get to.

I did spend an hour today trying to locate the number of the shrink that was supposed to call me in 6-8 weeks.  No luck there.   However, I did find a shrink in Dallas Center (about 6 miles away) who is new on our insurance and taking new patients according to our insurance.  So, maybe I will just give her a call and see what she has to say about my meds.   My meds are what have stopped me from seeing quite a few other shrinks in the area.  “Nimodipine, never heard of it, won’t prescribe it.”   Screw them.   I have been on every other mood med in creation (ok, not the newer stuff) and every one I had a bad reaction to.  Specifically anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, so I am kind of screwed in changing meds, I DO NOT WANT TO change meds.   Simple as that, I have beeno on this combo for almost 20 years, why would  anyone want to dink with it???

So, for now, it looks like I am just going to deal with a prolonged depression and just hope I wake up one day in a good mood again.  It could and has happened before.  But this depression has lasted longer than most of the ones I have had in the past.   This one started in the beginning of February and is still going strong if not getting worse.  Heh.

Author: Jeff Campbell

I am 50 year old guy, who beat blood cancer but is getting his butt kicked by bone marrow cancer. At this point it appears I am dying. Married and in love with the most wonderful woman in the world (27 years). She has stood by me thru a lot of crap and I love her so.

One thought on “A ramble about depression”

  1. Gotcha beat, unfortunately. I’ve been depressed since December and spent Christmas week in a psych ward. Not fun. It’s still really bad, but I’m not going back there! Stay strong, my friend!


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