I hate this

Well, Teresa is officially having worse nightmares about my situation than I am.  I am having nightmares where Dr. Alkhateeb says there is nothing he can do.  Bad, but not horrifically so; whereas Teresa is having nightmares that Dr. Alkhateeb says I have to do 9 more months of chemo.  The thought of that freaks me out.  So, Teresa wins the worse nightmare award.

I am sleeping really light, waking up a lot from bad dreams.  Even with the CPAP I am waking 10-12 times a night.  Bad dreams and nightmares are par for the course.  I spend all day depressed and then spend all night in various degrees of mental hell.   Yeah, such is my life right now.  I wish it was different, but it’s not.

So right now we wait.  We wait for the results of the bone marrow biopsy.  If it’s still clean it means no chemo, if its a mess lots of chemo.  I’m holding out hope that it’s still clean.  The DLIs are kind of a given now.  No getting around them at this point.  And that’ll mean two more chances on the GvHD wheel.  Yay, not really.  But beyond chemo and DLIs, I do no think there is much Dr. Alkhateeb can do for me.

I’m starting to feel it.  I feel weak, very weak.  First sign of having bone marrow or blood cancer is weakness.  And paleness, but I got some sun this summer and have a nice tan, so I might not go pale for a while.  But in all seriousness, I am in bad shape right now and things are bound to get worse before they get better.

August 15th is what I believe to be Mayo Day take 2.  Will probably spend at least a few days up there.  Getting my first DLI and wasting a day so Dr. Alkhateeb can see my reaction.  Then he will send me home with orders for weekly perhaps more often than that blood tests and platelets and blood as needed.  While there we will probably be staying at the Gift of Life House again.  Kinda hoping for the newer house, it’s supposed to be nicer.  But anyway, Gift of Life was good to us before, and we are always welcome there.

PARTY! PARTY!! PARTY!!!.  Yep, I am bringing several games to my party.  Something to do besides sit there and talk.  Not that there is anything wrong with sitting and talking, just a lot of these people don’t know each other, so maybe getting to know someone over a game is a good choice.

The party is happening August 10th at 5pm.  The die has been tossed and I rolled a 20 which means an automatic success.  I’m happy for those that are coming.  Seriously, it means a lot to me these people would take multiple days out of there lives to come see me.  I’m saddened for those that can not make it.  I really wanted to see all my friends, but life is happening and sometimes it gets in the way.

Yes, I am still horribly depressed.  Not quite to Doom and Gloom levels, but heading that way.  I only have a couple days to wait for the results of the bone marrow biopsy to appear in the portal.  Then Friday I see the man himself, Dr. Alkhateeb to hear his plan.  And to argue about me taking a week while I am technically reaching up to knock on death’s door, to go to my family’s house and have a party.  But the party is important to me.  And if negotiations come up, we can be there on the 12th.

This has been a LONG month.  I just want it to be August already.  But no, still a few days of July to go.  BAH.  Why is it when things suck, days pass so slowly?  Well, July has sucked and is taking so long to be over.  At least it is almost over.

Author: Jeff Campbell

I am 50 year old guy, who beat blood cancer but is getting his butt kicked by bone marrow cancer. At this point it appears I am dying. Married and in love with the most wonderful woman in the world (27 years). She has stood by me thru a lot of crap and I love her so.

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