I feel rotten and I am depressed. A horrible combination. I would say I wish I could just die, but that may be a little too close to home right now. Rotten feeling, achy, really tired, all tied to the depression. The depression because we are at a point where I think I am about to lose at the game of life… Yes, I think I am going to die this time. I have no basis at which to base this thought on, but that is how I feel.
Let me start by pointing out that I have not talked to the doctor as of yet. I have, however, talked to the head of research for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. So, my point of view that I am sharing is based off some heavy research. Realistically, nothing “good” can come of me coming out remission. Best case scenario I have MDS again, which makes my donor cells fairly useless, which will likely kill me. Most likely my MDS has transformed into AML Leukemia, a chemo-resistant AML Leukemia, which will likely kill me. So my feeling of dread is not based off nothing.
We have started to find homes for some of my junk, specifically all my gaming stuff. The books and dice and stuff are all going to a good friend. And if for some reason he decides not to take them, then they are going to the library. I have a lot of books and a stuff. Gonna cost a pretty penny to ship it all across the country, but hey, it’s all good. I just don’t want them thrown away.
I see Dr. Alkhateeb on Friday but should have the results of the Bone Marrow Biopsy before we see Dr. A. If there is no mutations on the biopsy, then that should mean no chemo. Mutations mean chemo. The DLIs are probably going to happen no matter what the outcome of the Biopsy. But after doing some serious reading on the subject, if the primary Donation fails, more of the same isn’t going to make much difference. So, no matter what the outcome of the biopsy, I am kind of screwed in my opinion.
Now, the game I want to play with Dr. Alkhateeb. I will agree to do just about anything if he is willing to wait until we get back from the Region. Not asking for much really. I will promise to get a CBC every week and if my platelets drop too low I will get an infusion of platelets. Porter Regional Hospital is perfectly capable of handling those orders. Then we would leave straight from my mom and brother’s house and head to Mayo. Should be a workable deal.
We aren’t leaving until the 9th now. Teresa has a doctor’s appointment at 8am on the 9th that she can not reschedule. And since she is my chauffer, I am not leaving till she is ready to go. So, we travel on the 9th, party on the 10th, and hang out till the 16th or 18th, the return date will depend on when Dr. Alkhateeb wants me back at Mayo.
I am about hating my life right now. I probably should call up my shrink because I am in really bad shape mentally. But since I am not staying home for a month or more to get used to new meds, I won’t. Because that is all he could really do, is add a med or change a med, which I don’t want to do in the first place. Dr. Alkhateeb will probably ask if I have talked to my shrink and I will be honest with him about it. Dr. A. has always said I am one of his most honest patients.
Sorry this blog post is mostly a downer. It’s just my life right now. I write this blog for me, but form it in a way to entertain you. And I don’t feel I have been very entertaining the last few weeks, and especially the last few days. Please bear with me for a while, things will either get better or I will be dead and you won’t be reading any more.