Reality Sucks

Well, thank the gods that July is finally over, I was beginning to think that the government was adding days to the month.  It’s not that July was particularly bad (it was) it’s just that it seemed like it took forever to get over.  I am just glad it’s over.  I don’t think I could handle another month like this July.

Tomorrow is Mayo Day, specifically a Dr. Alkhateeb Mayo Day.  I didn’t care for the new CRNP they introduced us to last time.  Nothing personal against her, we just didn’t click I guess.  It happens.  Anyhow, tomorrow we will see Dr. Alkhateeb and he will share with us his plan.  I already don’t like his plan and I haven’t heard it yet.  But a promise to my wife and mother, I will do as Dr. Alkhateeb bids.  However, it doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.

The trick will be getting him to wait a couple weeks before implementing his plan.  I really want to have my party and he is the only one who can say No.  And because of my promise to Teresa and my mom, I will agree to whatever he decides.  No, I don’t think it’ll be a big issue and no, I don’t think there will be a problem.  It is, after all, my life and death we are talking about.  So, I will give him the pitch to let me wait a couple weeks with promise to have my CBC checked each week, and get platelets if I need them.  That should appease the big guy.

Emotionally right now I am a mess.  Cycling really blazingly fast.  One minute in tears, the next laughing at anything.  I should call my shrink, as a matter of fact, after I finish this blog I shall.   I would like to increase my clonazepam and maybe increase my abilify.  That should mellow me out enough to still be functional, but not asleep.  I hope.  I am carrying a ton of stress right now and it’s getting to me mentally and physically.  And let me tell you about the bad dreams.  I wouldn’t call them nightmares, but they are a close cousin.  I haven’t died in any one of them, but in many I am already dead.  Disturbing.  And physically, my lower back is in a Super knot.  Bad enough that I am thinking of heading to the chiropractor for an adjustment and I rarely go to chiropractors.  I prefer acupuncture but they take a few sessions to achieve relief. Overall though, I think my mood is pretty good all thing considered.

It’s a really strange feeling accepting the fact that you are going to die.  I’ve known it for the last 4 years, but was in denial for most of that.  It wasn’t till this round of cancer popped up that I truly have accepted this fact.  We are not talking days or weeks, but 6 months wouldn’t be a surprise.  And I’ll be amazed if I make 50.    Anyhow, thanks to Teresa, we have enough money to cremate me as per my wish.  And she should have enough money to pay off her student loans.  And probably her car will get paid off too. She wants to put my ashes in an Urn and put them on the mantle.  I think that is a little morbid, but hey, whatever she wants to do.

All Dr. Alkhateeb can do is extend my life by short amounts.  My warranty has expired.  And I am defective.  Put all that together and I just don’t have that much time left.  I am ok with that, not happy in the least bit, but reigned to my fate.

There will be no funeral.  There will be no wake.  I will die.  Teresa will contact the people I have told her to contact and let them know.  Before that when I am close I will post the imminence of my demise on Facebook.  Hopefully, no one will be surprised to hear that I have died.  And hopefully, between now and then, I will get to say goodbye to as many of the people who I love as I can.

Author: Jeff Campbell

I am 50 year old guy, who beat blood cancer but is getting his butt kicked by bone marrow cancer. At this point it appears I am dying. Married and in love with the most wonderful woman in the world (27 years). She has stood by me thru a lot of crap and I love her so.

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