Last night I ran the worst D&D Session that I have in probably ever. This was partly from being underprepared, though I really wasn’t, but mostly cuz of my cancer and treatments from said cancer messing with my brain. I got confused about half hour in and went off script and totally muffed the whole night. Which thankfully I was allowed to call it about an hour early. Luckily, these people I was playing with were friends and know exactly what is going on with me, or close enough to exactly to not be mad at me. I am mad at me enough for all of us. Now I have to decide if I start this mess over next week. I’ll have the exact same mental issues I had last night, but hey, I might do better. Part of me wants to just retire from running games. Focus solely on playing. Then if I lose it mentally I have 3 to 5 or more people to set me straight. At this time I don’t know what I am going to do, it’s not right to bail on these people but on the other hand, it’s not right to drag them thru my falling apart. I’ll let you all know what I decide.
Today I feel rotten. I’m hoping it’s all from last night. I whole body aches and is stiff. I’m not running a fever though, that’s a good thing. I didn’t sleep well last night, even with taking an Ambien. Mentally I couldn’t shut down partly cuz of last night and partly because of wicked dreams. I don’t think they are classified as nightmares, cuz no one ever got hurt. Just vivid dreams of life without me in it. They were sad more than anything else, but they were off enough to keep waking me up. I finally gave up trying to sleep around 10:30am and here I am an hourish later writing my blog.
Today I am going to make my Call of Cthullu character for Shannon’s game. Still not going to released information about him here, cuz other players read my blog and I want him to be a surprise. But he is going to be COOL. Probably big and dumb, but COOL none the less.
Actually somewhat looking forward to Mayo Monday. One, it’s really nice outside, perfect weather for a drive (yeah, 8 hours in the car is a bit much), Two, maybe Dr. Alkhateeb will have some answers to our questions, and Three, I might not be getting baby shots or a DLI. Can’t argue with either of those. Seriously though, we want to know what is going on? Is something going on or are we just waiting till my stats drop so we can start keeping me alive by infusions? Am I getting another DLI? Am I getting the rest of my baby shots? The thing is since he told me 6 months to a year, we haven’t been able to talk to him. The nurses are nice, but I want to talk to the big man again. He is the key to everything.
I think I am gonna go take 1 of my Xanax and try to get some more sleep. Last night really scared me, I have never gotten so confused (Not true, but I was in the hospital when I got so confused last time). I just kept babbling and babbling. Someone should have shut me up. But alas, I was the DM, and you never shut up a DM while they are working.