I am dealing with a deep depression currently.  Not quite Doom and Gloom, just depressed to the point where I want to sleep all day and stay in bed the rest of the time.  Crappy part is I can’t take anti-depressants because they make me manic.  And manic would be worse than depressed in my opinion.  So, I get to sit here and write this blog while thinking how crappy it is that I had to move my shrink appointment (not that there is a lot he can do for me) because Mayo take priority.  Yes, trying to live take priority over trying to live a good life.  Heh.  So, shrink day is the 7th now, I think.

DLI day at Mayo is a week from tomorrow.  The prep day is a week from today.   I’m hoping that I snap out of this depression before we go.  Always feel like a dumbass responding to the nurse and Dr. Alkhateeb that I am depressed.  Like I am less of a man or something.  Then they always try to say anyone going through this crap would be depressed.  That helps as much as dropping a bowling ball on my foot.

Some time a couple weeks after DLI day will be Bone Marrow Biopsy day.  The day that we hope things look better.  My PT53 isn’t mutated, we already know that.  But I got a handful of chromosomes which are.  We are fighting this corruption with the DLI.  This is what the DLI is supposed to do, flood my system with donor white cells and have them kick the crap out of anything that isn’t supposed to be there or is wrong while being there.

My hemoglobin should be around 8.4 when it gets checked tomorrow.  It has actually slowed down it’s drop rate.  Which is a good thing.  Still going down, just not as fast.  By my figuring before I should have needed blood before going to Mayo and now I wont or at least shouldn’t.  At the same time, my platelets are doing weird things.  Might actually be recovering.  GO figure.

I hate being bipolar probably more than I hate the cancer.  No control of ups and downs in moods is rough.  Overall, I have been handling this really well.  Some ups some downs, but overall I have been good.  So, I will just live through this down and come out the other end of this cycle just fine.

Author: Jeff Campbell

I am 50 year old guy, who beat blood cancer but is getting his butt kicked by bone marrow cancer. At this point it appears I am dying. Married and in love with the most wonderful woman in the world (27 years). She has stood by me thru a lot of crap and I love her so.

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