Anxiety Sucks, Good game, and D&D

Teresa just beat Horizon: Zero Dawn on Story difficulty (one step lower than easy).  She sure seemed to have a lot of fun.  She says it should get Game of the Year and I agree with her even though I haven’t played very much of it yet.  It somehow managed to keep a dystopian society kinda light hearted.  Mainly killing robots instead of people was kinda cool too.  Anyhow, it took her about 2 weeks of sporadic play to beat the game.  That is a cool amount of time.  And Aloy, the heroine, is actually kind of a cool character.  It’ll take a really great game to beat it for Game of the Year, because Horizon: Zero Dawn is a great game in it’s own right.

Now she is starting The Last of Us.  I know nothing about this game.  But I know this game won Game of the Year when it came out (last year? maybe).  It appears so far to not be my type of game, not into survival horror games anymore.  I didn’t think it was Teresa’s thing either.  But it was only 12 bucks.  So I say let her play.

I’m already getting nervous about going to Mayo Clinic.  I hate having an anxiety disorder.  This should be a just looking forward to it thing, not a anxious thing.  The worst that can happen is they say there is nothing that can be done (which is what Dr. Wehbe said), the best would be they have a cure.  I’d settle getting back up to 90 where I was in my first year and half of remission.  But hey, I got a week and a day before my appointment, plenty of time to make myself sick with anxiety.  Heh.

We still haven’t had snow yet.  Almost to the record for no measurable snowfall in Des Moines until X date.  In this case it was the 13th I believe.  And there is no snow in the forecast worth mentioning.  As a matter of face for the next week or so it is supposed to be in the mid 40s, about average for this time of year, at least that is what I think I heard on the news, I could be way off and a snowstorm is hitting tomorrow.   All I know is that I stepped out the last few days to get the mail barefoot and without a coat and didn’t immediately go numb.  So it hasn’t been bad.

The shot in the neck takes 2 weeks to give full effect.  I am cool with that.  My neck only hurts when I am sitting at my desk using my keyboard and mouse or when I am driving. You know, when holding my arms up.   I try to avoid doing all of the above as much as possible.  I hope the x-ray’s that were taken Friday show or don’t show anything, nothing marginal.  If they show, Dr. Ransdell will do something for my back pain, if it doesn’t show he will order an MRI to find out what is wrong.  If its wishy-washy, I have no clue what he will do if anything, and not doing anything sucks.

My mood is solidly good though.  SAD is over it seems.  Yay for the good guys.  SAD is almost totally debilitating when it hits and takes a lot to overcome.  And it just goes away randomly it seems.  But one way or the other, it’s gone and I am happy Hectic again, even if I am a little anxious.

This Friday will be the 2nd time playing in the every other Friday night D&D campaign over roll20 and mumble.  I am very much looking forward to it.  As much as I love DMing, playing is just as cool.  I’ve decided that if no one else steps up to take leadership, then I guess I will try to.  I mean we got stuff accomplished just fine without a “leader”, but heh, it’s just have been easier with someone calling the shots.  We got a cowardly bard, a chaotic stupid barbarian, a cleric, a thief, and me, a Ranger.  I seem to me to be the likely choice, either me or the cleric and I think he wants to be leader less than I do.  So, I will more than likely try to step up.

Besides, we got Yuan-Ti in our immediate future.  I have a personal vendetta against Yuan-Ti in general.  So I really won’t be listening to anyone else anyway, so they might as well listen to me.

I posted in the Facebook group of my D&D game that is starting on January 2nd that I needed 2 more players and I was tapped out of possibilities.  The DM of the Friday night games, who is a player in mine, said he has me covered.  Alrighty then, I will not try to find 2 more players if he has people in mind.  That will give me 5 for sure players.  Which is plenty.  6 is optimum.  We’ll have 6 if my one friend can swing Tuesday nights off from his new job.

Mom will be here Saturday around noon.  That’s good.  That’ll give us a day before we have to drive up to Rochester.  I like spending time with my mom.  Like I said before, I wish it was for a better reason.  But I will take seeing my mom any way I can.

Steps forward in 2 medical issues. Yeah.

Progress on the back pain front.  I got an epidural shot in my neck again.  After this initial achy feeling, I should be pain free for 3ish months in my neck/shoulder area.  Then he finally ordered a set of x-rays of my spine, this is in order to see if there is any visible problem with my spine (there isn’t or if there is color my surprised).  In any event, this is first step of getting things done to make me have less back pain.  After he gets the results of my x-rays (Monday) he will probably order an MRI.  The MRI is to show all the muscles and veins and stuff.  He would then be able to see what is damage there.  This will be good.  Hoping to get the MRI scheduled before the end of the year.  Gonna be a pain in the butt to get it done between Christmas and New Years.  But yay for the first step taken to getting relief.

I go to Mayo Clinic, in Rochester, MN, from Dec 18-20.  This is for my platelet issue.  They could have gotten me in to see someone today, but that was kinda short notice to pack up and get there.  As it is, my mom is flying in on Saturday to drive me up to Mayo on Sunday, then we are staying til Wednesday at least.  Mayo said they tell new patients that it is gonna be 1 to 3 days. DOH.  So, I made me hotel reservation for 4 nights, just in case Wednesday runs late and we have to stay til Thursday.  Anyhow, I hold out a lot of hope that Mayo knows something that Dr. Wehbe doesn’t.  That there is a cure for treatment related myleodysplacia.  I do not want to be getting infusions for the rest of my life.  And that is what I am looking at right now.  So off to Mayo to hopefully get my platelet problem fixed.

It’s off Friday for our every other Friday D&D game.  Still not sure why it’s every other Friday and not every Friday, but hey, DM says every other, it’s all good.  Had a blast last week, and am looking forward to next week.

I still only have 3 players for my new D&D campaign.  I still have some time to find more, but it’s weird, I have 11 players for 2 campaigns before and only 3 for new campaign.  Oh well, I will find 1 or 2 more.  Rest assure we will have 4 maybe 5 players in my new campaign.  I’ve tentatively made some decisions as to what the campaign is going to be, I would post them, but they are not concrete decisions yet and at least 1 of my players reads this blog.  So just trust me when I say things are happening for it.  But still don’t know if it;’s gonna be Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday night.  That might not be decided until the week we begin lol.  Sorry guys, but that may be all the notice I can give.

Last night I forgot it was Thursday again.  I only caught the last 5 minutes of Leukemia chat.  I got to tell them I am going to Mayo.  They are very much rooting for some miracle cure for me.  It’s a real shame I have problems with remembering Thursday until it’s too late.  Those are good people who really are rooting for me.

I did go to Edwina’s Bipolar Chat and tell them about going to Mayo too.  Most of those people are rooting for me too.  Most of those people are good people who drew a crappy card from the deck of life.

I’m happy my mom is coming to visit.  I wish it was for a better reason (like she wanted to) and not because I needed to go to Mayo.  But I get to spend a few days just me and mom.  That is cool.   I love my mom.  She is the greatest.  I miss her terribly.  But I understand her desire to be back in the Region.  So, I just get to be happy when we visit her and she visits us.


Treatment Related Myleodysplasia

Well, I went to get the results of my bone marrow biopsy.  They turned it into a full appointment.  I was fine with that.  They did a blood draw (normal procedure) and my platelets were 28.  Apparently the 46 I got from the hospital was a mistake.  Dr. Wehbe says I have Treated Related Myelodysplasia or totally trashed bone marrow and there is nothing that can be done for it.  He has encouraged me to try Mayo Clinic and see if they have any idea.  The only treatment Teresa found online is Stem Cell Transplant and I am not a candidate for that (yet) cuz I am in remission from leukemia, and nothing else is wrong with me.

I filled out the form for an appointment at Mayo Clinic.  It was online.  Says they will call me within 3 days to set up an appointment.  They are my best hope.  At this point, they are my only hope.

My mood is still good.  Even though I am bummed.  Gotta love my stability meds.  If I let the above get to me too much I would probably be really upset and that achieves nothing.  So, mellow, happy Jeff is what I am gonna be.

I have decided to start a new D&D game (me being the DM) after the 1st of year.  I have 3 confirmed players as of now, I would 5 or 6, but I have time to find more.  It’s going to be Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday night from 8pm to 10 pm Eastern time.  Yeah, so far I am the only Central time guy, so I have taken to quoting Eastern time.  As for right now, I don’t know what level players are gonna be, I am not sure where in my world I am gonna start them, not sure much about anything.  But I have a while to figure all that out and I have asked my players for opinions and desires.

I am still going to play in the every other Friday game, this being an off week.  Next week we (the players) need to gel as a group as opposed to a bunch of individuals.  Last week we really didn’t gel.  Someone (hopefully not me) needs to step up and take leadership (I’ll do it if they make me).  But even if we don’t gel and no one steps up, we will still have fun.  So, I guess it’s all good.

We were awakened this morning at 3:55am by Teresa’s work calling cuz of a big outage.  It’s now 11:18 and she is still working on it.  I am thankful that she is finally off the group phone call.  Trying to decide if it is nap time or food time.  Probably food then nap after I am done writing this blog.

My blood pressure is doing weird things.  It was really high at the biopsy, and totally normal today.  I don’t know if I should go back on blood pressure meds or not.  I probably should make an appointment with Chris my Physician Assistant (Doctor wannabe).  I have other tests that need to be done, that were due months and months ago.  But I have been pretty healthy (besides stupid platelets and that one major cold), so I haven’t went to see him.

I’m not into all of these, but some I will admit to.

Good morning Starshine, The Earth says Hello

Getting up at 5am tomorrow to get to showered and dressed, Teresa is getting up at 5:30.  This is to get to the hospital by 7am.  The hospital is pretty much in the center of Des Moines, and it takes a good 40 to 45 minutes to get there.  We will be going before traffic, which will be good.  My biopsy is scheduled for 8:30am.  Yes, it take 1 1/2 hours to get registered and have the blood draw and tested and get all prepped for the biopsy.  Once the biopsy starts it takes about 5 minutes, but I will be doped up for another 45 or so.  They give you good drugs so you don’t hurt when they do it, but when those drugs wear off the site of the biopsy is really achy.  And it remains achy for 3 days.  Hopefully this will be the LAST biopsy I get for a long while.  But I thought that about the biopsy I had 4 months ago.  Oh well, better safe than sorry.

By the way, I have no other symptoms of leukemia, not paler than usual and my energy level is pretty normal.  So, it is just my platelets that is warranting this biopsy which is the exact same reason that I had the biopsy 4 months ago (which was normal).

Winter is supposed to arrive this week.  63 high today, 65 high tomorrow, 37 high on Tuesday, then downhill from there.  Even a chance of a “lite” snow on Friday.  My chemo destroyed system does not like being cold, doesn’t like being hot either (but I have no worry about that right now).  I have a big thick winter coat that is supposed to keep me warm down to 30 below, it does a decent job on what it covers but damn my legs and feet get cold.  Need to find my gloves, hat and scarf.  Yeah, I have become a weather wimp, I am ok with that.  If I ever win a lot of money, I am moving away from IOWA and its extreme weather.

My mood has improved.  Still on the low side, but much better than I was before my vacation and better than I was yesterday.  So with the winter coming, my mood gets better.  It’s just fall that sets me off; September, October and November.  The depression does sometimes hang around thru December if the weather doesn’t turn (last year for instance).  So come on winter, I am almost ready for you 😛



I thought I had lost the key to my wife’s car.  However, it turns out she borrowed it cuz she lost hers.  It costs 250 dollars to replace said key, ick ack yuck.  I thought mine disappeared at the funeral.  Shows how much driving I do, she borrowed the key on Tuesday and I didn’t notice til Friday.  Anyhow, I went thru the hassle of calling our car repair people to find out how much it was to make another key.  Then Teresa told me she borrowed it after I told her I called to get a replacement key made.   DOH.  Her key is somewhere in the house.

I have been trying to play computer games, Civ4 Warlords, the old standby isn’t getting me interested.  I get to where oil is discovered and just bail.  I own Civ5 and Civ6.  Civ5 is just plain weird, and Civ6 might be too complicated for my poor feeble brain.  I have thought of getting back into Skyrim, I had a lot of fund playing Skyrim, but that’s not pulling me in either.  Age of Empires and Age of Wonders, age of not interested right now.  I don’t know what is up in my head.  I used to be a gaming junky and now all I seem to do is read Facebook and post blog entries.  Gonna have to force myself to play something seriously and get back into computer gaming.  Oh yeah, I forgot, I have been playing a little bit of World of Warcraft.  But even that isn’t really interesting me much.  Pet Battles with my new Troll hunter and Garrison stuff with Ughughkill.

My back has been feeling better, not well but better.  I am not hurting as much when I wake up.  That can mean 2 things, my back IS getting better now that I am moving around a lot more or I have learned to sleep as to not cause the back to hurt as much.  Either way, I still take a Flexeril every morning.  And I very rarely have to resort to my pain pills of which I have about 10 left.  When I see Dr. Ransdell, we are gonna have a long talk about pain and how nothing he has tried or had me try is working.   Plus the shot he gave me in the neck region has worn off, so I am back to having pain across my entire back, not just the mid/lower parts.

My desk is a mess.  Teresa says I never throw anything away, and that is why I come across like a slob.  And as I look around the desktop, I got a lot of junk on my desk that needs to be pitched.  Perhaps that will be my project for later today.

I hope I am wrong

Today was a sad day.  I found out that a friend of mine who I have neglected recently passed away 2 days ago.  I’ve told people before that I totally suck at being a 3D friend, no one believes me.   Well anyhow, tomorrow is the funeral, I am going.  He was the only friend who came and visited me while I was in the hospital, so being at his funeral is the least I can do.  We didn’t talk often, we weren’t buddy buddy, but I feel I need to do this.  I don’t like funerals and I know nothing about Jewish funeral services, but hey, first time for everything I guess.  The world lost a great guy though.

I actually remembered it was Thursday and attended the Acute Leukemia chat for a bit tonight.  This I haven’t done in several weeks.  Most of the regulars were there.  I just didn’t feel up to chatting much so I made up some lame excuse and left after a half hour or so.  I did get a bunch of sympathy from them about my platelets.  I’m not sure that is what I need or want.  I just want this to be over and get my life back to “normal”.

I also went to Edwina’s Bipolar Chat for a bit tonight, something I haven’t done in several months.  That was directly because of my friend’s passing.  I needed to make sure they knew, which they did.  I should have known they knew, probably one of the first groups of people who were informed.  Chat was a big part of his life.

So, I have been fretting over the D&D game and getting our characters into roll20.  Well, our DM has decided we aren’t putting our characters into roll20.  He “trusts” us.  Which is cool.  We are starting at level 4, not like we have super-powers or mega-weapons so there isn’t a whole lot we need to inform the DM of.  So the game tomorrow night is on.  6:30pm my time, giving me time to have dinner, which is a good thing.  Otherwise I wouldn’t eat til like 10pm, which would suck.

I am very much looking forward to this game.  I haven’t been a player in a game in a long time (I am not counting the 2 sessions of 3.5 D&D I played right before getting diagnosed with leukemia).  It’s been over 25 years since I played any role playing game as a player.  And my regular readers will remember that I killed the 2 games I was running as a DM very recently.  I’m ready to be a player.  I’m sure I can be a great player.  Oh yeah, I forgot the 3 sessions I played (as a player) with Jon.  So, I have been a player in recent history, but for only 3 sessions, does that really count?  Anyhow, I am ready to play in a big campaign with lots of things going on and that is what I have been promised.

I am still dealing with depression.  I still can’t bring myself to play any computer games or really read anything.  So I sit around all day on Facebook and entering Publishers Clearing House contests.  I lead a boring life.

I realized today that I have been over a year doing absolutely nothing of value.  I am a bum.  I want to change that.  At least start doing more things around the house.  Don’t know if I am ready for laundry, but dishes perhaps, and picking up after myself.  Yeah, I should be able to do that.  All this idea, requires me being healthy enough to do it.  So, my wanting change won’t come about for a while I guess.  But dammit, I am gonna try eventually.

Found out today that the hospital wants me there at 7am on Monday and not 7:30.  It’s a 40-45 minute drive to the hospital.  UGH, gonna be waking up way early on a Monday. It could be worse, I could have had to be there at 5am for the 6:30am biopsy.  But it’s all good, I will be there on time and go thru the hoops that they make me go thru and be to the radiology department on time.

I think this biopsy is #8 or #9.  I got a lot of holes in my hip bone.  It’s all good, I don’t think there is a limited number of holes you can have in your hip, well I am sure there is a limit, but I think its a huge number being as it’s a big bone.

Sorry, this isn’t a video.  It is just the song I wanted to post the other day.  The video is too weird for words, so just kick back for 5ish minutes and listen to Dutch Singer Do (yeah, DOH) sing to DJ Sammy’s music.

Here, a list I pretty much agree with.  I like WatchMojo, their lists are interesting if nothing else.

Nothing going right

Well, I asked for my mood to stop rapid cycling, it did.  Today I am terribly depressed.  It’s fall.  I just got back from vacation and see nothing to do in the near future (nothing really in the long future either).  I miss my family.  My platelets still are really low and there is currently no clue as to why.  All sorts of things are piling up on me and dammit, I am down.  I said something to Teresa via Skype, it was horribly bad for me to say, I feel like crap for saying it, just more to feel bad about.

My bone marrow biopsy is scheduled for Monday with check-in at 7:30am, guess no sleeping in on Monday morning for me.  Will get the results (if it isn’t leukemia) on Thursday at 10amish, a much more reasonable time.  If it is leukemia, I will be informed as soon as they know and things will move ridiculously fast again.  I don’t want to do leukemia round 2 in Iowa, so it’ll be a temp thing here before getting me into Mayo up in Minnesota.  I really don’t think it’s leukemia though.  I have zero other symptoms.  This test is just to rule leukemia out.

After this test, I will be contacting Mayo Clinic to get into their Hematology department.  I wrote about this before.

I just want to be better.

I am beginning to doubt we will be starting that D&D game on Friday.  As of Tuesday at 6:30pm Eastern Time, we still can’t enter our characters into the game.  I looked it up, should be a no brainer.  I pointed the DM to what I found, he has to do stuff before we (the players) can do anything.  I am beginning to think he isn’t going to get it done in time for us players to get our characters in.  I hope I am wrong.

I ordered a SoClean cpap cleaner today.  I’m supposed to use my cpap, you can go back and read my complaining about it on Facebook and probably a bit on early posts in this blog.  Anyhow, I was never able to get it clean, and it was making me sick.  SoClean says you just hook it up and hit the button on it cleans the whole system.  I am all for that.  So, it’s supposed to be here on Friday, maybe I will start getting better sleep again this weekend.  I know it can’t get worse.

I have a fairly wicked cough again.  It started while I was in Indiana, and is not getting better.  BLAH, it totally sucks to have a strange cough.  Hopefully it will go away or turn into a cold or something so I can either forget about it or get treatment for it.  I really only cough during the evening.  Just another sucky health issue.

Do I have any good news to share?  Not really at this time.  I’m sure if I wasn’t so down, I would have something positive to share.  But where I am mentally everything sucks.  Sorry.


I sat in the dark all day, until I tried to plug in a small usb plug.  Then I was too lazy to turn the light back off, besides Teresa gets upset when I sit in the dark.  So, I sit here, unable to do much but type this short blog entry, and even this was a challenge.  I hope you all are having a better day than me.

Of Black Friday and Medical Crap

We shopped on Black Friday but we didn’t leave our house.  All the presents were downloads from either the Playstation store or Steam.  So, needless to say, Teresa and I have already given each other our gifts.  Well, she got what she wanted, I got what I wanted.  And she does have a Nintendo Switch on the way (she ordered that before we left to come home, no clue when it’s supposed to arrive).  It’s all good getting the brunt of Christmas done early.  The only other 2 people I buy for are my brother and mother, and they both wanted gift cards from Amazon (well that is what mom wants, I am just assuming brother will be cool with a gift card).  I always find something cool for my brother for his birthday in June.  So, basically I got 2 gift cards to go and I am DONE Christmas shopping.

In case you didn’t know, Christmas is a holiday I choose not to celebrate.  I am no longer Bah Humbug, but I am still not going to put up a tree or decorate or go around telling everyone “Merry Christmas”.  I just don’t dig this holiday.  I give gifts to 3 people, because I love them and they celebrate and expect gifts, and it’s not worth the fight.

While at my brother and mother’s house, I broke Mojo’s food bowl.  Didn’t mean to, it was at the foot on the bed and I rolled over and stretched knocking it off to the tile floor.  It was a total break.  So Teresa took Pucky and Mojo to Petsmart today (right now) to get Mojo a new bowl and probably some more stuff for them for Christmas.  I probably should have went to keep her from going nuts, but people at this time of year are not my thing.  So I stayed home.  —  She is picking up Applebee’s on the way home.

The D&D game I am joining is supposed to start this coming Friday, but none of us can figure out how to add our characters to roll20.  Something about needing the game masters permission, and our game masters is as clueless about it as the rest of us are.  I guess we have a few days to figure it out, but I hate waiting to last minute to get anything done, and entering our characters in for the first time is going to take a while I am sure.

I ordered an IPhone 8+ which should be here tomorrow.  It is to replace my overly flakey IPhone 7+.  I could have got the X, but I didn’t want to pay 20 bucks more a month to Sprint.  Instead the 8+ is only a dollar forty seven more.  Here’s to hoping that the 8+ is less of a pita than the 7+ has been.  The 8+ is not a Christmas present, it’s just a necessity thing before I utterly destroy my 7+ in frustration.

I miss my mom and brother pretty bad.  Like I have said before in this blog, it’s worse right after I see them.  Mom said she is going to try to come in February.  And then both of them are supposed to come at the end of March beginning of April for Teresa’s birthday (April 1st) and our 25th Anniversary (April 2nd).  I think if they are coming at the end of March, mom will call of her visit in February.  I will see them when I see them I guess.  All I know for absolute sure, is that I am going to be there on June 3rd (don’t have arriving and leaving dates yet) for my brother’s 50th birthday.  He only has one of those, so I have to be there for it.  And then again I will be there next November from the weekend before Thanksgiving til Thanksgiving.  Beyond that, nothing is certain as far as travel to see my family or my family coming to see me.

My mood is as weird as the weather here has been.  One minute I am deeply down and the next I am in a great mood.  I hate Ultradian cycling (ultra-rapid mood changes).  I’m not sleeping well cuz of my back (which I will get to in a minute).  That helps contribute to my weird moods.  The trip back to the Region and then coming back home could be contributing to my weird moods.  A lot of things going on could be contributing to my weird moods.  I just want to settle into a mood and stick with it for a while.

My back is really truly fubar now.  I sleep on my side.  I can only sleep for about 6 hours without pain.  I get up take a Flexeril, wait and hour and then try to go back to sleep.  Been doing this for a month or so now.  Really is a pita.  If I could sleep on my back again (haven’t been able to do such yet) I probably could sleep longer.  Anyhow, every morning I wake up in pain, and that sucks.  Then if I sit in my chair for 2 hours while the Flexeril gets a good grip, my back will hurt more because of that.  So I have taken to standing around, sometimes eating breakfast while I stand but mostly just standing around.  So, I sit for 1 hour or so, then stand for 1 hour or so, then go back to bed for a couple hours.  I don’t make any appointments in the morning cuz I am hurting too much.  It just sucks.

Dr Wehbe, my oncologist, is ordering another bone marrow biopsy.   I find out when it is tomorrow.  Then when I get those results, I will contact Mayo Clinic up in Minnesota.  They have the top rated Hematology department in the US.  So I figure I will give them a shot at figuring out why my platelets are low and fixing said issue.  Dr Wehbe has tried everything I have found online to try, so time to go to the blood experts.   Gonna suck going up there in the winter.  But I gotta get better so I can stop being afraid

Heh, I haven’t been able to get the hang of fighting multiple Urog in Middle Earth:Shadow of Mordor.  It seems that every time I get past a group for 4 or more, I run into another group of 4 or more than kicks my butt.  I suppose it just takes practice and dying a lot to get better, but dang its frustrating right now.  I suppose I have to give it more than a day and a half but still.  It’s more frustrating that Teresa kicks serious butt in her game Horizons: Zero Dawn and I am still on training wheels in mine.